For later reading Bookmark this page [Ctrl+D]

Real Approach...

A guest article by ajmalbeig

One is not bound to have all the joys in life. You may have everything in life but there are still those things which one may needed that seems very common to others and yet it kept on giving hard times. Everyone has his/her own share of pains to bear in life. I've got mine and you've got yours. But we need to lean on each other to keep life smooth going. You may be aright financially and physically but you may be lacking on the emotional side of life. Everyone need, someone to hold on, someone to lean on, someone who could be there for you all the time, someone to share fun with, bad times and good times, trial times and celebration times, rainy time and sunny times of life with you.

Remember, sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will-power or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happen by chance or by means of good luck, illness, injury, love, lost-moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road, yet safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life in various ways. The success and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences to learn from. In fact, they are probably the most affecting and important ones. 

The invalid persons are somehow parasites on society. In a certain state it is indecent to go on living. To vegetate on in cowardly dependence on physicians and medicaments after the meaning of life, the right to life, has been lost ought to entail the profound contempt of society. The invalid (disable) persons face many problems; like medical, physical, financial and emotional, while they grown up with their certain types of disabilities. As the puberty opened their physical door, emotional requirements, wishes, and deprivations crafted their life in a different way. At this point they need someone to share their feelings and love with.

We must know that "there is only one happiness in life; to love and be loved. Our only purpose in life is to love one another...
and, if we can't do that, try not to hurt each other".

As a disable person myself, I experienced that in the long run, emotional side of disability is utmost incurable in hospitals and clinics. It can only be treated with an accommodating and sympathetic hand of opposite sex. I observed; this is the most challenging branch of disability to cure with, to handle with. Deprivation and frustration from a soothing pleasure of opposite sex in a certain age, not only developed psychological irritations but physical devastations as well.

As a matter of fact, our society denies their emotional needs and doesn't accept and accommodate disable persons as married couples. There is no community support to such invalids who want to marry at their own consent. No specific NGO or any marriage center work for the cause of their marriage problems. Rather, certain social, family and religious restrictions improve their frustration and deprivation. In this depressed situation, invalid persons ruined their talents and limited abilities over and over. Thus, they no more helpful for themselves nor for the nation and the country.

The only growing risk, which all invalid persons think about, is 'insecure future'. They are unconfident, what they would do and who will support them, (a) when they grown up, (b) when their parents will no more, (c) when their brother(s) and/or sister(s) would marry and enjoy their own separate life, and (d) when they developed to certain complications etc. etc. This approach is more perceptive in females rather than males and in physically invalids (wheelchair users) than other type of disables. However, there are some exceptions, where the invalid have inherited property and/or other financial securities to his/her name but such instances are very occasional in our society. These wits and thrilling realities motivate and encourage them to find a life partner to live with and to secure with, before it's too late. 

The best match for a disable is a normal human being who can prove to be his/her better-half and understand his/her requirements whether they are emotional, physical or social. To marry with a disable (either sex) is somewhat a difficult and daring decision. It requires determination, stamina, resistance and all-in-all courage to sacrifice. Certain social and family backgrounds are the major restrictions to perform this humanitarian duty. In most cases, it's only possible if both guys are honestly involved in love and daring to fight for their human rights. Nevertheless, it's obligatory for them to talk to their elders directly or indirectly. They must try their level best to get their consent, before going to take any severe action. They should also be considered, the respect, social background and ego of their elders. On the other hand; it's however, more realistic and secure, if family elders resolve this matter on the family platform with mutual understanding. They must aware that primarily, a disable person is a family issue, certain social and state responsibilities arise far after. So they ought to take interest in the subject on humanitarian grounds and accommodate their family disables (either sex) within the family borders. It's most reliable, elegant and dignified way to handle the situation in positive manner before they turn into disloyal and get civil marriage. 

As stated above, the best match for a disable is a normal human being. However, if it's beyond the boundaries, try to prefer a disable person to compensate each other. Be realistic that this way, two lives would be saved and secured. However, marriage among disables (either sex) requires some essential security measures before proceeding. These precautions will help them protected from anticipated difficulties after marriage. Below is a checklist you seriously considere...

• The most and the least condition is to have a reliable economical background, preferably by either sex. If you are not earning by your own whether outside or at home, you must wait for a favorable time. Don't wholly solely depend on your parents and other family members because everyone will leave you at a certain period of time.

• With the help of someone you trust upon, try to have a social meeting with your spouse (to be) for better understanding each other. Be realistic to discuss the specific difficulties, problems and details of impairment you both have. Talk about, how would you compensate each other and what factors should be compromised. If personal meeting is not possible, communicate over telephone to share your thoughts and ideas. Discuss your future planning liberally and listen to each other whole-heartedly and patiently. Finally, take time to evaluate; that you are the best match.

• Don't marry with the person having same type of disability. Physically invalids (wheelchair bounded in particular), amputees of same nature, blind, deaf, and dumb couples cannot compensate each other by any means. However, a blind can match a deaf and a dumb can survive with a physically handicap. Similarly a leg amputee may compromise with an arm amputee. Consider more than once, before tie the knot with a mentally retarded. These are compromising realities, you must think over and over.

• Consult your doctor to know, if your disability is a result of spinal cord injury. It's utmost necessary to know the actual phenomenon of your disability  because severe spinal cord injuries lead to sexual impairment, resulting impotent and thus childless. Though, modern medical science have artificial seminal procedures but such techniques are not permitted in the laws imposed by Islam. However, to adopt a child may be a better solution otherwise. Forbidden Wedding - Religious Restrictions on Marriage of Disabled Persons.

• Becoming a parent is one of the biggest decisions you can make, and it's important to get lots of information and advice before having a baby. Being a parent is very hard task for invalids but can be rewarding too. Keep in mind; some disabled people may find it physically difficult to have some kinds of sex, because of their impairment, thus not all disabled people become parents (this phenomenon is not only applicable to disables but evenly to normal couples as well). If you are able to have sex, but don’t want to have a baby, use contraception.

• Don't be self-pity by any means and never expect sympathy and mercy from others. This attitude is poisonous and will trash out your capabilities and talents. You will become dependent for your entire life.

• Be confident, realistic, and tolerant. You must believe that besides all efforts, favours and positive approaches, destiny does matter. Pray to God Almighty for His guidance and help. Remember, not all human-beings are married couples in the world even they are normal. Be brave to face all circumstances and situations even they are not in your favour. It's quite better to be alone than a divorced after some weeks/month of marriage.

• When you are given the "gift of disability", it does not diminish you as much as you might initially think. When one door closes, many others are opened. A blind man's sense of hearing sharpens to hear a pin drop 100 meters away; a quadriplegic develops extraordinary sensitivity in his/her facial skin that enables him/her to "feel" colors. See the opportunities that are available to you now that you could never see yourself as a more able person. The world is waiting and the possibilities are limitless.

• Nothing is impossible. While you may never have a new pair of kidneys or be able to re-grow a limb you have lost, almost everything you dreamed of doing before your disability can still be possible. You just may have to modify quite a bit to achieve it. Don't let anything stand in your way and don't fall prey to blaming. You are the only person who can get you from the depths of despair to all the success you want in life. Go for it!

• Read these Urdu articles, for better understanding yourself...

Kiya Mazoori Ek Roag Hai

Mazoori Aur Shadi

In fact, it has been practically observed and proved that disable persons when married, not only strengthened each other but in the long run compensate each other as well. In a mutual way, they both felt protected and secure. This satisfaction and ecstasy opens new horizons of success to them and they try to live in such a way that they no more parasites on society. They become self-confident, self-reliance and competent. At the last but not least, we must acknowledged that marriage is a sacred phenomenon and human attitude called by nature. So as human-beings, disabled persons also have the right to get married. However, it should be considered realistically; their marriage is a requirement, not luxury.

A blazing issue

Most public and private places – such as shopping malls, plazas, banks, hotels, restaurants, parks, theaters, cinemas, hospitals, clinics, railway stations, airports etc., have poor access (e.g. loads of steps!). For most disabled people, this makes it more difficult to approach and this hinders their liberty and self-confidence.

The state and relevant authorities must take this issue most seriously and make public and private places accessible to disabled people. Old buildings should have a convenient access ramp for disables on priority basis. Moreover, don't issue clearance certificate to such buildings which have no access for disables.

Let's join our hands together and find our solutions among ourselves.
Be proud of who you are, it's OK to be different.