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Sexual Etiquettes

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Whoever Allah wishes to guide, He opens his heart to Islam. (Al-Qur'an, 6:125)

Sexual Etiquettes in Islam

Allah Ta'Ala has given great rights to the husband and has attached a lot of virtue to him. Pleasing the husband and keeping him happy is a great act of 'ibadah and displeasing him or keeping him unhappy is a major sin.

sexual-ettiquettes valid for

¢ Introduction

¢ Etiquettes of the First Night

¢ Intention for Sexual Intercourse

¢ Preparation for Intercourse

¢ The Do's of Sexual Relations

¢ The Don'ts of Sexual Relations

¢ Premature Ejaculation

¢ Sexual Potency

¢ Vitamins and Foods for Potency

¢ Harmful Foods

¢ Health Hazrads and General Issues

 

 Introduction

Islam is a complete way of life. Islam provides guidance and regulations for even the private moments of a Muslim’s life. In the collective of Ahadith and Seerah of Rasulullah (Sallallahualay-hi-wassallam) there are numerous incidents and occasions when his companions came forward and enquired from him about matters related to private life and it’s problems. Even the womenfolk from his followers came forward and enquired with regard to matters that are related to marital life and it’s private issues. They did not feel ashamed or shy to learn the truth, nor did our Rasulullah Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam)feel ashamed to expound the truth as the  Quran Majeed says: “And Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) does not feel ashamed of the Haqq.” [33/53]

It is thus clear that there is nothing wrong in learning or discussing matters related to marriage and sex for the sake of educating ourselves Islamically. Today when the world is realizing the importance of  “sex education” in their crude and rude outlook, then why should we as Muslims feel ashamed of reveling Islam’s decent and refined teachings in this field? 

Due to constant exposure to pornographic material and other shameless literature, many Muslims have overstepped the limits of Shariah in the fulfillment of their sexual lusts and desires and thus brought upon themselves the harms of this world and the next, particularly in the form of certain deadly diseases, illnesses and infections. Many of them are blissfully unaware that there are any Islamic injunctions in this regard and due to sheer ignorance of Islamic regulations have transgressed the Laws of Shariah, thus causing harm and injury not only to themselves, but even to their partners and their yet unborn off-spring as the pages ahead will reveal.

Thus a need was felt to educate the Muslim public, particularly our younger generation and especially those prospective young couples that are on the threshold of entering into the sacred bond of nikah, in this often-neglected aspect of Islam, in order that their health and marital bond remain intact and protected from all harms and sorrow. It is hoped that every couple and couple-to-be will benefit greatly from this booklet. Insha-Allah.

Finally, a word regarding the material content of this book. The contents of this book have been extracted from authentic sources as the bibliography will reveal, Insha-Allah. The advices and observations on this topic are the result of years of experience, deep in sight and the spiritual foresight of our pious and wise elders, predecessors and Ulema. To cast any aspersions on their words and teachings would be tantamount to doubting their integrity and erudition. None who claims to be a true Muslim has the right to such presumptuousness. If the atheistic western scientists and their worshippers find any of these teachings to be non conformant to their “research and findings”, it is of no significance or concern to us. The “ever changing nature” of own their theories is proof enough of the flimsiness and uncertainty of their teachings, which are nothing but conjectural pastimes as far as we are concerned. The mocking, jeering and sneering of such people should be discarded with the contempt it deserves. The teachings of our great luminaries is and will always remain dear and precious to us. Insha-Allah.

May Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) make their booklet a means of reward and savior for this humble servant and make it a means of guidance and benefit to His sincere and obedient servants. Aameen. 

Etiquettes of the First Night

In the ideal Islamic situation, the husband and wife will most probably be total strangers to each other, having no kind of personal contact with each other previously due to the strict laws of hijab and pardah in the Shariah,. Coupled with this feeling of strangeness are the natural constraints of haya and modesty, that form an integral part of Imaan. Under the particular circumstances it is quite natural that both the husband and wife will be extremely bashful of each other and under considerable strain and anxiety.

In order to “break the ice”, they firstly greet each other with the traditional Islamic greetings of salaam. Thereafter the husband should gently place his right hand on his bride’s forehead and recite 

Translation:- “O Allah! I ask you of her goodness, the good within her and the goodness upon which she was created. I seek Your protection from her evil, the evil within her and the evil upon which she was created”. 

Thereafter, wudhu and two rakats of salatul-Hajah maybe offered as a token of gratitude and thereby requesting assistance from Allah (Rabbul-Izzrat) for a successful and blessed marriage, pious offspring etc.

Thereafter, they may read some Deeni literature to each other particularly on the topic of Nikah, etc. In this regard Kitabun-Nikah, Hayatul-Muslimeen, etc are excellent material to study. If time and opportunity permits, this booklet should be read from cover to cover once at least on the first night. 

One point of great importance that many newly wed, inexperienced men overlook is the importance of extreme gentleness and tenderness on the first night and during the first sexual encounter. Many are under the false notion that gentleness is against “manliness” and the harm and damage that is done to the relationship on the first night due to this foolish notion, has it’s impact on the marriage for months and years to come. During the initial stages of sexual union a virgin generally undergoes considerable anxiety and pain, which results in fear. During such a time the husband must take great care and consideration in his movements and behaviour towards his bride. 

One more point of caution to the husband is never to harbour unnecessary suspicions against the wife if for some reason it “appeared” that she was not a virgin. This is a sin. It is forbidden to harbour ill-thoughts about the next Muslim merely on the basis of such conjectures. And worse still is to make her a target of abuse and oppression on this ground. This is Zulm (oppression) and a major sin. There are many reasons a girl could lose her “hymen”, the tissue of virginity-reasons that could be substantiated medically such as heavy flows during menstruation, illness, falling, jumping excessive, horse-riding, certain sporting activities, ageing etc. 

Intention for Sexual Intercourse

Hazrat Ali (Radiallahu Anhum) is reported to have said in his WASA (advices). He said, “At the time of sexual intercourse, the following intentions should be made":

  • Protection against zina (adultery)

  • protection of the gaza from strange women

  • Attainment of pious and upright progeny who will serve Islam.

When intercourse is enjoyed with the correct intentions, then not only is an act of physical pleasure, but it also becomes an act of reward and Sawab. 

In this regard the gist of a Hadith explains that even intercourse with one’s wife is rewardable and regarded as Sadaqah. The Sahaba (Radiyallahu-Anhum) were greatly astounded upon this-that here a man is gratifying his sexual lusts and desires and yet he is being rewarded for it? Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) explained to them that had this man gratified himself in a haram manner he would be punished for it, then why should he not be rewarded for satisfying himself in a Halaal manner? He will certainly be rewarded. 

At the time of seeing an attractive woman

At times, the gaze involuntarily falls upon an attractive woman, which causes excitement of the passion. In such circumstances, what should be done? The Hadith provides guidance. 

“When women emerge outdoors, they appear in the form of shaitaan, thus if any of you accidentally gaze at her and take fancy to her, he should consort with his wife, for she has the same that the other woman has.” 

This will cleanse the heart form evil intentions, ideas and thoughts. At the same time, the fire of passion and desire that was kindled, will be calmed and cooled in a lawful manner.

Preparation for Intercourse 

The Psychological preparation for sexual intercourse is equally important as intercourse itself. Anything that will cause distraction or distaste should be avoided completely. This will turn the opposite partner “off”, with detrimental consequences for the couple as well as their marriage.

Amongst the factors that are a major “turn-off” is dirt, filth, bad, odours and uncivilized behaviour. Particularly a bad odour from the mouth or body is very unpleasant and the habit of smoking can kill passion and desire for the opposite partner altogether. It is of extreme importance that the mouth be clean, especially with smokers, who should take extra precaution in this regard.  

It is part of the beautiful habit of our pure and honourable Master, Rasulullah (Sallallahnu-Alayhi-Wasallam), that the used to apply itr (scent) and that he used to perform the miswaak (cleansing of the mouth and teeth) before intercourse. Even in such Minute and apparently insignificant matters, he showed us the path to success and bliss. It will indeed be unfortunate if we do not appreciate and practice his teachings and habits, i.e. the Sunnah. 

Ibne-Jauzi (Rahimahumullah) states in "Saidul Khatir” that the couple should should fix a certain part of the day or night for intercourse in order that both of them prepare physically and psychologically for time. This will increase and heighten their pleasure. Furthermore, it will eliminate the possibility of any one of them being in an undesirable or unprepared state of mind or body. 

It is for this reason that one learned scholar states that a man should inform his wife of his intentions to have sexual relations from the morning in order that both be prepared fully at the appropriate time. 

It us for this very reason that Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alay-hi-Wasallah) and the Sahaba-Kiram (Radiyallahu-Anhum) would not enter their homes during the night after returning from along journey. Rather, they would enter only in the morning. The ideal was to give the womenfolk sufficient time to prepare themselves for their husbands. In the words of Rasullallah (Sallallahu-Alay-hi-hi-Wasallah): 

In order that the unkempt, disheveled women comb their hair and the unprepared ones shave (shaving of pubes, underarms, etc)” [Mishkaat] 

There can be no greater turn-off to a returning husband than to find his wife in an unkempt, untidy condition. It is therefore necessary that he announce his imminent arrival either by way of letter, telephone or a messenger, in order that his wife prepare herself for his arrival.

The Do’s and Don'ts of Sexual Relations

The Do’s:

Note: Each of the above points are now discussed individually for a better insight into each one. Click on a title above to get the details...

Cleanliness:

Islam’s emphasis on cleanliness is a known fact to even little children of good Muslims homes cleanliness is half of Faith (Iman one hadith teaches us).

At the time of sexual intercourse, this aspect of Islam becomes even more emphatic. Physical cleanliness enhances spiritual purity. Both the partners should preferably be in the state of wuzu.  

As mentioned previously under the section on Preparation for Intercourse, the mouth should be cleansed thoroughly with miswaak or a brush at least. There cannot be a worse turn-off than bad breath and pungent odours. Those habituated to smoking should take extra precautions in this regard. The importance of this can be gauged from the masala of Shariah with regard to a person who has eaten onions or garlic entering the masjid. The Fuqaha (Rahimahumullah) (Jurists) have ruled that it is Prohibited for such a person to enter the majid! Reason: Because it is a cause of Takleef (discomfort) to the fellow-musallis. How important would it then be for husband and wife, who are constantly in each other proximity to maintain proper oral hygiene and not to cause abhorrence to each other by neglecting this important aspect of Taharah and cleanliness! Such neglect could be the cause of serious detriment to the marriage. It is such seemingly “insignificant” matters that become the root to broken homes and other marital discord.

It is also useful to apply it or scent as was the sunnah of our honourable Master Rasulullah (Sallahllahu-Alayhi-Wasallah). This will cause mutual attraction. 

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Intention:

The importance of a correct intention has been adequately stressed in the section on Intention of Sexual Intercourse. To attain rewards for this act, a proper niyyah (intention) should always be formulated. One saintly person says with regard to himself that he once kissed his wife without making the proper intention (i.e. to please ALLAH (Azza-wa-Jall) that He had made Halaal). As a result of this, he states that he suffered a setback of one full year in his spiritual progress. This sufficiently expresses the importance of correct intentions in all actions, at all times. 

Psychological Preparations: 

This has already been discussed under the section on Preparation. Particularly the advice of Allamah Ibnul-Jauzi (Rahimahumulullah) is important in this regard.

Furthermore, Hazrat Ibnu-Abbas (Radiyallahu-Anhum) says: “I love to adorn myself for women (my wives) as much as I wish them to adorn themselves for me”. Preparation from both the partners.

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Foreplay:

Fore play is a vital element of a happy and successful martial life. It should never be neglected. It is absolutely vital that a man arouse his wife sexually via foreplay before indulging in sexual intercourse. It is indeed callous and selfish that he fulfils his desires like an animal while his wife experiences no sensation whatsoever. This is extremely demoralizing for the women and has terrible consequences for the couple and their marriage.
Therefore every couple should take the trouble of exploring those regions of each other’s anatomy that will arouse their desires and heighten their pleasure. These areas are known as the “erogenous zones”. They vary from person to person but are generally concentrated in the upper body are and the below the naval, if stroked tenderly, cause the sexual desires to rise and passions to be kindled.

Even in this regard we find the beautiful teaching of Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) a guidance for us; that in very subtle manner he impressed upon his companions (Radiyallahu-Anhum) importance and necessity of foreplay with the wife. For example:-

It is narrated in the Ahadith that once Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) came to know that Hazrat Jabir “(Radiyallhu-Anhum) had married a widow. He said: “Why did you not marry a virgin whom you could play with and Who would play with you?” [Bukhari, Muslim]

This is a subtle indication towards love play or foreplay between the couple. Furthermore, the importance of expressing love and feelings towards each other can be learned from the Ahadith of Rasulullah(Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) that go to this effect that when a husband or wife gaze at each other with love and affection, Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) gazes at them with mercy and kindness. When the husband and wife hold each others hands with love and affection, Allah Ta’ala forgives their sins. If the wife is breast-feeding, caution should be observed that no milk enters the throat during the course of loveplay. It is Makroohe-Tahrimi for the husband to drink the milk of his wife. If any person, out of ignorance has transgressed this regulation of the Shariah, the only form of expiation is a sincere taubah and repetance. However, this does not affect the bond of nikah as is the misconception of many people.

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Recitation of Dua:

For the protection from shaitaan and other harms, it is important to recite the Masnoon Duas at the time of intercourse. In this way the couple and their progeny will be protected from much harm. The respective duas for this occasion are as follows:-

  • At the time of commencing with Intercourse:-
    [Translation] “In the name of Allah, O Allah! Save us from Shaitaan and prevent shaitaan from that which you grant us”.

  • At the time of ejaculation:-
    [Translation] “O Allah! Do not grant shaitaan any share of that which you have granted me”. (Note:- At the time of ejaculation, the dua should be recited in the mind only, not verbally. Moreover, both husband and wife should recite the dua.

It is reported that if a person does not recite these duas, Shaitaan participates with him in the act of coitus and derives pleasure from his wife. Not reciting the dua is also a cause for rebellious and disobedient progeny as is observe in our times. Shah Abdul-Haq Dehlawi (Rahimahumullah) states in this regard: “If a prayer like this is not made at the time of coitus and only the sexual urge is fulfilled like the animals; the child that is born out of such a union will not be saved from the evil influence of Shaitaan. This is one of the main reasons that the morals of the present generation are not good.” [Rifaatul Muslimeen]

Another point of significance is the importance of Zikr in the life of a Mumin (Believer). Unlike other religious, Islam regards even mudane activities as acts of worship (Ibadah) and obedience (Ta’aat) if carried out under the regulations of Shariah, with the correct intention and with the Zikr of Allah (Azza-wa-Jall). Thus what would normally be a debased act in other religions, is a noble act of worship and obedience that is rewardable in Islam.

These duas serve to develop Allah-consciousness and piety in a Muslim. It is highly imperative that every couple endeavour to learn, memorise and recite these duas at the appropriate time. A little effort and sacrifice of time is required, but the returns are enormous and far-reaching.

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Correct Times: 

It is important that cohabitation take place at the correct times in order to ensure good health for the couple as well as their child-to-be, Allah willing.  

The act of intercourse should ideally take place when there is a state of relaxation and temperamental balance in both husband and wife. Any form of tension or pressure in the form of hunger, thirst, anger, depression- illness, etc. will dampen the pleasure. 

Faqih Abdul-Laith Samarqandi (Rahimahumullah) writes in his book Bustan that the correct time for intercourse is the latter part of the night because the stomach is full during the early part of the night and intercourse is undesirable on a full stomach. It is thus clear that intercourse is undesirable in the early hours of the night. The same has been recorded in Tibb-e-Nabwi.

The author of IHYA observes that it is Makrooh to have sexual relations in the earlier part of the night because the possibility of spending the rest of the night in the state of Janabat (Ritual uncleanliness). Hazrat Aisha (Radiyallahu-Anhum) reports that it was the noble habit of Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) that after completing the witr Salah at the end of the night, he would consort with his wife if he is desire. If not, he would lay down on the musalla (prayer rug) until Hazrat Bilal (Radiyallahu-Anhum) would call out the Azaan for the Fajr Salah (Morning prayer).

It should be noted that the prohibition of sexual intercourse in the earlier part of the night is merely from a medical and health point of view. It is not a ruling of the Shariah. It is reported that Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) cohabited at various times of the day and night. [shamial, Tirmizi]

For those that find it inconvenient to wait for the end of the night (for whatever reason), a practical solution is to have a light meal early in the evening, perhaps before Maghrib. In this way the Stomach will not be full at the time of cohabitation in the earlier part of the night. It is the experience of wise men that the result of sexual intercourse on a full-stomach is a dull, backward child. Furthermore, it is even harmful to the health of the male. 

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Preferable Times:

As much as it is important to observe the correct times, it is also important to observe the preferable times for intercourse to attain maximum benefit, especially for the child-to-be. Hazrat Ali (Radiyallahu-Anhum) observes in WSAYA: “The result of conception as a result of copulation;

  • On Monday night, is a child that will be a Qari;

  • On Tuesday, a generous, big-hearted child;

  • On Thursday, an upright, Allah-fearing Aalim or a wise, sagacious child;

  • On Friday before Juma, a child born with luck and fortune who will attain martyrdom at death;

  • On Friday night, a sincere child [Rifaat-ul-Muslimeen]

    N.B. By night is meant the Islamic night, which precedes the day.  

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Permissible Positions: 

The human body takes on three postures most naturally; i.e. standing, sitting (or squatting) and laying down. As far as the positions of sexual intercourse are concerned, Islam has granted general permission provided that no unnatural act such as anal sex is performed. However from medical point of view, sex in the standing position is undesirable (a complete chapter on this issue further ahead)

Thus two postures remain; the sitting or squatting posture and the sleeping posture. In this regard, there are certain subtle indications in the Quran and Hadith. For example, in one verse of the Quran, Allah Ta’ala states:-

“It is He who created you from a single person, and made his mate thereof, in order that he may take comfort in her. Then when he covered her, she bore a light burden….”[7/189]

This is when a women lies in the supine position; while the man’s body lies over her in manner that he covers her body with his. In the Hadith explaining the manner of ghusal (bath), the following method of sexual union is alluded to:

“….When any of you sits between the four portions of a woman and then exerts himself upon her…..”

There is a difference of opinion as far as the interpretation of  “four portions of a woman” is concerned. This seems to refer to the position in which a woman lifts her knees and the man enters her in a sitting/squatting posture, in which instance her thighs and calfs form the “four portions”. And Allah knows best.

Furthermore, any other posture or position, husband and wife desire to choose, is quite in order. Once Hazrat Umar (Radiyallahu-Anhum) had intercourse with his wife through rear entry (not anal entry). Later he was overtaken by the thought that perhaps he had committed an undesirable act. Immediately he rushed off to Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Aalyhi-Wasallam) calling out: “I have destroyed, I have been destroyed….! “He was asked what was the matter, to which he recounted his fear of having committed an undesirable act. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi-Wasallam) remained silent, giving no answer. Some time later, these verses of the Quran were revealed: 

“Your wives are a tillage (farm) unto you, thus approach your tillage from wherever you wish”. [2/223]

Thereafter Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) explained the purport of this verse: that intercourse is permissible in any position, from front or rear, so long as anal sex does not place, for that is haram. The example of the Quran for women is that of a farm; which can be approached from any direction, provided the seeds are planted only in the farm and not elsewhere! Similarly any method of approach is permissible, whether husband is on the wife or vice-versa, or whether they are on their sides or from the rear, whether sleeping flat or whether squatting, all positions are permissible, so long as his “seeds” are planted in the “farm” and not else where.

There was a false notion; a baseless superstition that the Jews of Madina entertained as far as rear entry was concerned. According to them, the child born out of such union would be squint eyed. Some Muslims were misled by this myth of the Jews. When the above-mentioned were verse of the Quran was revealed, all such false conceptions were shattered and demolished for once and all.

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Afterplay:

Almost as important as foreplay and the actual act of intercourse, is the termination and conclusion of the act of copulation, which could be termed as “after play”. Many times, it happens that the husband reaches climax earlier than the wife (some women attain climax after quite a while). In such a case the husband should remain in her until she achieves climax and satisfaction. This is absolutely vital and essential for the satisfaction of the wife. Disengaging before the wife achieves climax is cruel and selfish and breeds animosity and contempt in the wife’s heart for her husband.

Furthermore, disengaging immediately after sexual union often gives the woman an impression that the man is only interested in her to gratify his lust and is merely “using” her. This is bound to affect martial harmony.

Hazrat Ali (Radiyallahu-Anhum) says in this regard:

“Await the completion (climax) of the wife before disengaging, otherwise she will become your enemy.” [Rifaat-ul-Muslimeen]

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Health Consciousness:

Just as important as cleanliness in before cohabitation, so is it’s importance thereafter. In this regard, a few important guidelines, if practiced diligently, would not only entail cleanliness and purity but also ensure good health and saviour from many disease and illnesses. The author of Shurat-ul-Islam states that the male and female should form the habit of passing water after intercourse, else they will fall victim to an incurable and fatal disease. The reason and explanation of the above statement in the books of “Tibb” (Islamic Medical Sciences) is that at times a drop or few of semen remains within the canal, which leads too certain ailments. By urination, the canal is cleared of all such drops. A statement of a similar nature is reported from Hazrat Ali (RA).

Faqih Abul-Laith Samarqandi (Rahimahumullah) states that after intercourse, the sexual organs should be washed clean as this will ensure good health. However, immediately after copulation, the male should not wash with cold water as this could result in fever. Either Warm water should be used or after an interval, when the body temperature has returned to equilibrium, even cold water could be used. Further more, Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) taught the Sahaba that they should wash themselves after cohabitation otherwise they might contract a disease that may be difficult to cure.

Immediately after copulation, no liquid should be consumed. This results in the illness of short breath. Therefore copulation should be avoided on a full-stomach. This causes dryness (Khushki) with in the body and results in thirst, whence liquids cannot be resisted, the harm of which has just been explained above. Thereafter, both husband and wife should wipe themselves dry with a separate cloth. Wiping with the same cloth results in marital conflict and discord [Rifaat-ul-Muslimeen] on the authority of Hazrat Ali (Radiyallahu-Anhum). 

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Conceal Private Matters: 

A very shameless trend has emerged nowadays where members of both the sex narrate the details of their sexual encounters to friends and associates. This goes totally contrary to the dictates of Haya and modesty; the outstanding branch of Iman. Such action should be shunned totally. This also gives others an opportunity to meddle in the private affairs of the couple. This is an extremely sinful and detestable act in the sight of Allah.

“Amongst the worst of people in Allah’s sight on the day on Qiyamah is that husband who indulges in privacy with his wife and then reveals her to others” [Muslim] 

More than once: 

If the couple wish to engage in sexual intercourse more than once then it is best that they take a bath before the second coitus. If not, then at least to perform wudhu. If not they should at least wash their genitals clean. It is the experience of the elders that a person who re-engages in sexual intercourse without doing any of the above, the resultant off-spring will be mentally-retarded or will be niggardly in nature.  

The author of Ihya emphasizes that the least every couple should do before re-engaging in sexual intercourse is to pass water and wash their genitals clean without this they should not indulge in sex. The result will be harmful and detrimental to them.

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The Don'ts:

Note: Each of the above points are now discussed individually for a better insight into each one. Click on a title above to get the details...

Nudity:

Total nudity during coition has been prohibited in Islam. Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) has disliked such an action to that of asses cohabiting in public. The progeny of such a couple will certainly turn out to be shameless and immoral. 

Facing Qiblah: 

During intercourse, precautions should be taken that the Qiblah is not faced. This is regarded as an act of disrespect (be-adabi) and should therefore be avoided as far as possible. Similarly, facing the feet in the direction of Qiblah, during intercourse or any other time is an undesirable practice. This should always be borne in mind.  

Incorrect Positions:

The various permissible positions have been discussed already under Permissible Positions. The standing posture, although permissible, is undesirable for intercourse due to health reasons.

The author of Tibb-e-Nabwi writes that coitus in the standing posture causes the body to become weak. It also causes harm to the nerves and veins. He further writes that coitus on a full-stomach results in dim-witted, dull-minded progeny. Coitus in the standing position also causes the condition of Ra’sha (perpetual Tremor). This is probably due to damage of the nerves and nervous-system. 

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Undesirable Acts: 

It is undesirable to talk excessively during intercourse. Talk should be limited to bare necessity. Islam advocates dignity even at such occasions. Faqih Abul-Laith Samarqandi writes in his book Bustan that excessive speech during coitus could be the cause of dumbness in the off-spring to be. This habit should be shunned.

It is undesirable for both the partners to look at each others genitals. The author of Shurat-ul-Islam  writes that looking (habitually) at the private parts of the woman could result in blind off-spring.

Although it is permissible for the husband and wife to look at every part of each others’ anatomy, it is an undesirable act from the moral point of view. Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) never looked at Hazrat Aisha (Radiyallahnu-Anhum), nor did she look at him (at the private area). Many of the Ulema are of the opinion that looking at the wife’s genitals causes the eye-sight to weaken.

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Excessive Sex:

Islam promotes a life of balance and equilibrium. There is no place for extremes in any facets of life. This spirit of moderation permeates every teaching of Islam. Thus even in the issue of sexual relations, moderation would be the ideal recourse from the Islamic point of view.

In this regard, the learned elders advice that the stimulus towards sexual desire should be analyzed and scrutinized carefully. If the stimulus is found to be related to an external source such as the sight of an attractive, shapely woman, sexually inciting conversations, pornographic material, etc; then this to be regarded as a false stimulus and should be ignored. This is a case of “artificial” desire. On the other hand, if the stimulus is internal, the passion and desire growing from within, then it should be regarded as a case of genuine desire and hence to be satisfied. A feeling of gratification, fulfillment, satisfaction and serenity will be the result of such a union. Where as coition due to a false stimulus will cause weakness, restlessness and even physical damage to the human body.

Faqih Abul-Laith Samarqandi (Rahimahumullah) reports from Hazrat Ali (Radiyallahu-Anhum) in his Bustan that the person that desires to maintain his good health for many years to come should:

  • Eat in the mornings and evenings only

  • Abstain from taking loans and debts (as these will cause him much anxiety and worries)

  • Desist from walking around bare-footed.

  • Reduce sexual intercourse to bare minimum.

Excessive sexual intercourse results in the condition of premature ejaculation arising, which in turn is the root to man physical, psychological and marital frustrations for both the husband and wife, with far—reaching repercussions. It should be avoided at all costs for a happy and stable marriage. 

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How Often? 

In the previous chapter, the importance of moderation and the harms of excessive sexual intercourse have been highlighted. The question arises as to what could be termed as moderation and how often should sexual intercourse take place in the ideal marriage? 

It is difficult to pronounce a hard and fast rule as far as this question is concerned. The answer will vary from individual to individual, keeping in mind the need of both husband and wife. However a general guideline in this regard should serve as a source of guidance. 

According to scholars once a week is acceptable and falls within the ambit of moderation. 

Hakeem Jalinoos was once asked by someone how often should a person engage in sexual intercourse. He replied: Once in a lifetime. When he was asked again, he replied: Once every year. Once more he was asked. He replied: Once a month. He was asked for a final time. He replied: Once a week  and a person that goes beyond this doesn’t deserve to be counted amongst the living! (indicating there by that he would be better off dead than alive due to the illnesses and weakness that would make his life miserable). 

Hakeem Jalinoos was asked: What is true desire? He replied. When a person cannot differentiate between sky and earth, that is true desire! In other words, the desire and urge is very strong and vehement…

Even in the Ahadith there is a subtle indication where regarding Jumma the words: “Ghasala wa Ghassala” are used; indicating that where a person takes a bath himself on Fridays, he causes his partner also to take a bath (due to coitus). And Jumma comes once every week, hence coitus ought to take place once a week. And Allah knows best.

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Prohabited Times:

The author of Ihya states,"It is Makrooh to indulge in sex during three nights of each month; the first, the last and fifteenth. It is said that Shaitaan is on the prowl on these nights. The undesirability of sex on these nights is narrated from Hazrat Ali, Hazrat Mulawiya and Hazrat Abu Huraiah (Radiyallahu-Anhum).

The author of Rifaat-ul-Muslimeen states that in addition to the above; Wednesday nights and the nights of the two Eids must also be avoided. Also the night where after a person intends to go on a journey on the next day should be avoided. Intercourse on these nights may have an undesirable effect on the off-spring.

It is reported in Tibb-e-Nabwi that  Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) advised Hazrat Ali (Radiyallahu-Anhum) not to cohabit on the fifteenth night as the shayateen appear in large number on this night. In a footnote of Shamail-Tirmizi it is stated that if the child is conceived during salah times (When the salah is neglected), the result will be a disobedient child. 

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Fantasizing:

Due to the corrupt and immoral environment most people are living in these days, exposure to all kinds of shameless filth in the form of videos, TV, films, plays, newspapers, magazines and even telephone lines has become a common trend.

Hence many men and women indulge in fantasizing about others during sexual intercourse with their own partners. This is totally haram and a grave sin in Islam. It resembles zina and could veritably be termed the zina of the heart or mind!

This point is clearly verified from a Hadith of Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) that reads:”

  • To gaze at a strange (ghair mahram) woman is zina (adultery) of the eyes,  

  • To listen to passion stirring words is zina of the ears,

  • To converse with a strange woman (and derive pleasure there from) is zina of the tongue,

  • To touch a strange women is zina of the hands,

  • To walk towards her is zina of the feet,

  • The heart desires and craves (fantasizing);

  • The sexual organ then either testifies to these or denies them”. [Muslim]

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Anal Sex:

Just as sex is prohibited during menstruation, anal sex, even though with one’s own partner is strictly prohibited in the Shariah. This abominable deed has been denounced very emphatically by Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) in various Ahadith.  

“The person that has anal sex, Allah (Rabbul-Izzat) will not look at him with mercy on the day of Qiyamah.” [Hadith] 

“The person that has anal sex with his wife is Mal’oon (accursed)” [Abu Da'ud] 

Imam Ghazzali (Rahimahumullah) writes in Ihya that anal sex is even worse than sex during menstruation because this filthy act causes undue pain and difficulty to the woman.

Even the male could become victim to various diseases and illnesses, some of them fatal and extremely deadly. Today, medical research has discovered that the greatest risk factor of contracting AIDS- the killer disease of the century-is anal sex; with or without protection! May we be sacrificed upon Allah and his Rasul for protecting our lives and health by strictly prohibiting us from this inhuman act. 

Sex during Menstruation:  

The Quran has emphatically prohibited sexual intercourse during menstruation:

“Abstain (sexually) from women during menstruation” [2/222]

Allah (Rabbul-Izzat), the Creator of man, knows best what is beneficial and what is harmful to man. All objects of harm have been forbidden for man because they will cause him difficulty and hardship. Sexual intercourse during menstruation falls into this category.

Today, many centuries later, medical science has discovered that the flow of menstruation contains certain toxic matters that could be detrimental if they gain entry into the body of the male or is prevented a clear passage of flow from the body of the female-both of which could easily occur if sexual intercourse takes place during intercourse. It would thus pose a potential threat to both husband and wife. This very act is a major contributing factor towards very painful and often fatal venereal diseases. In fact, it’s effect is passed on even to the fetus.

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 Premature Ejaculation

Premature ejaculation is a sexual problem that could adversely affect the marriage. In premature ejaculation, semen is discharged immediately or very shortly after the commencement of sexual activity within 30 to 60 seconds, whereas the normal period ought to be 2 to 3 minutes. 

Due to this condition, the woman remains sexually unsatisfied and this could lead to a problematic marital relationship. Furthermore, it is also a cause of not being able to have children. These have serious implications on the marriage and thus this situation needs to be remedied as swiftly as possible. There are two fundamental causes to this problematic condition:

  • Thinness of semen

  • Weakness of nerves in the private organ; both these conditions can be remedied with suitable and authentic medical treatment.

As for as thinness of semen is concerned, certain suitable foods and vitamins (coming below) should ease the problem. Also excessive sex should most definitely be avoided as this will cause thinness of the semen and weaken the nerves of the private organ which are the primary causes of premature ejaculation and eventually, sexual impotency. 

According to Hakeem Razi excessive sex will cause:

  • Young men to become old.

  • Old men to “Sleep” forever (i.e. death)

  • Healthy men to become weak and sick

  • Weak and Sick men to perish;

Therefore, until a strong, genuine, and persistent urge to indulge in sexual intercourse does not exist, it should be avoided at all costs.

Sexual Potency: 

The level of sexual potency varies from nation to nation, individual to individual. There are numerous factors that are influential in this regard. Even geographical and climatic conditions play their role. People of hot and humid areas such as the Arabs tend to have a higher drive than those from cold, wet areas. Some men are extremely virile while others have low libido. The same applies to women. However, on an overall basis, women have a considerably a lower sexual urge than men. 

In certain instances when the woman has a higher sexual drive than a man, certain marital and health problems could arise. If this state of affairs is not remedied soon enough, the woman begins to despise and ridicule her husband and may even begin to flirt and incline towards other men, Allah forbid! The man should therefore utilize foods and vitamins that will enhance his flagging libido and hence improve his sexual life. In this way, the marriage will be saved from many calamities. 

Vitamins and Foods for Potency: 

Our food and diet plays the central role in sexual potency or impotency. Food is digested and converted into healthy or unhealthy blood. This blood then is converted into semen, the lifeblood of man’s sexual activities. It is therefore imperative that such foods be ingested that become a source of healthy blood and semen. Such foods that will grant strength to the body, the mind and the heart after sexual indulgence; because sexual indulgence weakens the human body considerably. 

An assortment of various suitable foods for sexual potency are now presented. Note: Each of the above points are now discussed individually for a better insight into each one. Click on a title above to get the details...

Grains: Wheat, Chana, Peas, Beans, Rice, Sesame seeds (Til)

Greens: Onions, Garlic, Bindha, Pumpkin, Gourds, Turnips, Beetroot, Carrots, Potato, Ginger, Coconut

Fruits: Grapes, Mango, Pomegranate, Bananas, Figs, Apple, Pineapples, Sweet-Melons, Guavas

Nuts and Snacks: Cashews, Peanuts, Walnuts, Chilgoza, Dates, Raisins, Olives, Sultanas, Honey

Animals: All Halaal Birds, Chicks (baby chickens), Pigeon, Duck, Fish, Red Meats, Liver

Dairy Products: Milk, Sour Milk, Yogurt, Butter, Cheese

Spices: Black pepper, Safron, Elachi, Lawang, Jaifal, Itr (Perfumes)

Hazrat Ali (Radiyallahu-Anhum) reports that once a person complained to Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) that he had no children (probably due to lack of potency). Rasulullah(Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) advised him to eat eggs.

On one occasion Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) complained to Hazrat Jibraeel (Alayhimus-Salaam) replied that he should eat Harisah, for it has the strength of 40 men. Harisah is a kind of thick soup made of crushed wheat, mixed with meat, butter, certain spices, etc.

Harmful Foods:

The following foods adversely affect sexual potency:

All sour fruits, Pickles (Achaar), Chutneys, Imli, Vinegar, Red Chilies, “Hot” Spices, Tea, Coffee, Caffeine Products, Saunf

Sex Illnesses, Health Hazards and General Issues: 

To indulge in any unnatural form of sexual gratification and to prevent the natural flow of semen results in veneral diseases and other related disorders.  

Excessive sex, “filthy” literature, pornographic material, “dirty” thoughts, fantasizing, etc. Cause a flow of Mazee (liquish matter preceding semen) to occur. This results in the semen becoming thin, which in turn causes premature ejaculation- a vicious chain-reaction of sexual problems! 

Moderate (or bare minimum) sexual indulgence is the key to good health and a happy life.
Sour foods in abundance causes premature ejaculation
Sex during fever causes the fever to become excessive and could result in delirium. 

Immediately after sexual activity, partaking place where the sudden appearance of any strange person is very likely, is undesirable and causes weakness to the body and nerves. Besides the harm, no pleasure is derived from such sexual indulgence.
Sex on a full-stomach results in premature ejaculation. Besides this, weakness of stomach, indigestion, swelling of the liver and stomach are some of the resultant problems of the above-mentioned act.

Curbing the urge to urinate and indulging in sex in this condition cause infection and harm to the kidneys, bladder and urinary tract. Similarly to suppress the urge to defecate and indulge in sex cause piles and other rectal problems. These should be avoided at all costs.

To indulge in sex when the eye is sore results in the swelling and whitening of the eye.

Even when the woman’s eye is sore, sex should be avoided. Hazrat Umma-Salma (Radiyallahu-Anhum) reports that if any of the Holy wives’ eyes were sore, Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) would not indulge in intimacy with them until they were cured. [Jami-e-Kabeer]

N.B. From this Hadith it is learnt that if the woman is ill or in pain and agony, sexual intercourse should be avoided. Besides further deterioration of her health, it may strain relationships between husband and wife and no pleasure or satisfaction will be derived from such intimacy. 

If the woman makes istinja with cold water before sexual intercourse, she will be aroused and climax quicker than normal. On the other hand, the man will slow down and slacken if he makes istinja with cold water. He should thus avoid doing so immediately before sexual relations.

(Adopted)

Sex and Sexuality in Islam

A worth reading essay about the sexual relationships between husband and wife

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