Things to Ponder

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot. (Charlie Chaplin)

Comedy is an escape, not from truth but from despair; a narrow escape into faith.

• How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

• When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is criminally responsible?

• If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know ?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

• Why do people look up when they think?

• Why are jeans so hard to fit into?

• Why are aliens always green?

• Why are school buses painted yellow?

• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

• Why isn't phonic spelled the way it sounds?

• Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

• Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

• When a bus is full, why there is always someone who gets in even if nobody gets out?

• Why people and nations start using the brain only after trying everything else?

• Why do they say new and improved? It can't be new if it was improved.

• If somebody says about himself, that he lies, is it truth or lie?

• Why people point at their wrist asking for the time? Do we point at our crotch when we ask where the toilet is?

• While waiting for the bus, why we ask someone "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would he/she be standing there???

• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

• Why do we label underwear as a pair?

• Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

• Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

• Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it just has little buttons?

• What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?

• If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

• Why do your nose run and your feet smell?

• What is the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?

• Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?

• Why is the word abbreviation so long?

• If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens if you turn on your headlights?

• Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?

• If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

• Is the glass half full or half empty?

• If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

• Do infants have as much fun in the infancy as adults do in their adultery?

• Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations if smoking is prohibited there?

• Why are cows milked from the right side?

• Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?

• Why did God give men nipples?

• Why do we have to dry raincoats?

• If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• Why do phone companies give you a number to call if your phone doesn't work?

• How come you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?

• Why are they called "apartments" when they are stuck together?

• Why goes glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?

• Why are they called "stands" when they are made for "sitting"?

• If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

• When we transport something by car it is called a shipment but when we transport something by ship it is called cargo?

• Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

• Why is toilet paper scented?

• Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?

• If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

• What does the Q in Q-tip stand for?

• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

• Why is it called a "hamburger", when it's made out of "beef"?

• Why does "sour cream" have an expiration date?

• Why doesn't "glue" stick to the inside of the bottle?

• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

• What's another word for synonym?

• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

• If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

• Why do we wash "bath towels", aren't we clean when we use them?

• Why do we put "suits" in a garment bag, and garments in a suitcase?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" (a speech defect) to have an "S" in it?

• A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train stops.  But on my desk I  have a "work station".

• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips after you use it?

• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

• Why is a boxing ring square?

• Why is it necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

• Why it is rain drops, but snow falls?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• Why the third hand on a watch is called a second hand?

• Why not aircraft manufacturers consider using the material used in the Black Box for the whole plane?

• Why do women have smaller feet than men?
  It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

• How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
  When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."

• Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
  Two Mothers-in-law.

• I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. Do you know why?
  I don't like to interrupt her.

• What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
  Divorced.

• Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
  I said,"Dust!"

• Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
  It is called Wedding Cake.

• What are 3 ring circus of a marriage?
  Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

New Dictionary

Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

Marriage:
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

Divorce:
Future tense of marriage

Dictionary:
A place where divorce comes before marriage.

Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Classic:
A book which people praise, but do not read.

Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions.

Diplomat:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist:
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist:
A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

Pessimist:
A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Miser:
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father:
A banker provided by nature.

Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.